Once More Into The Fray

12/23/23 As my days on this current housesit in Colorado Springs are fast coming to a close, I both lament & cherish how I have languished & wallowed in the peace & routine of the past 5 weeks. Lament because I always wish I would have done or accomplished more in my time spent in the comfort & luxury of a home by myself. Cherish because of the existence of so many more amenities than I possess when living in Hammy, so much more room & ability to move about, cook in a full kitchen, take a hot shower whenever I desire & use a flushing toilet, have running water, do yoga & stretch without the confines of a 10x6 space. This will be my last housesit for who knows how long, my last dog I will walk or love on, & I am sad. My time here has been wonderful, in a nice neighborhood & city I have grown fond of, despite the presence of why I have always avoided the Springs in the first place since moving to Colorado over 30 yrs ago - the military, the conservative Republicans, & the Christians. But I have come to see, as I have traveled around Colorado & the whole of the U.S. over the years, that those groups exist everywhere. They cannot be avoided, & therefore must be accepted & embraced, if I am to be by them (yeah right! :)) The family I am sitting for are a VERY religious couple, Super Christians. Both of them are ordained ministers & missionaries, & their house is filled to the brim with every book on Christianity that has seemingly ever been written, even one authored by the wife. Normally this would bug the shit out of me & my cynical self of the not so distant past would give rise & ridicule their belief system & way of life. My life has held absolutely no place for organized religion, much less people who travel to other countries to shove the teachings of Jesus down foreigners’ throats. But given all my self growth & evolution & rise of my consciousness that has occurred over the past 10 yrs of being alone & on the road, I now know that faith in something greater than ourselves & humanity is essential if we are to navigate our path in this life to any sort of successful & purposeful conclusion. There is something to be said for people who give the whole of their lives over to ANYTHING other than themselves & their own selfish, ego driven needs & wants, as most of us do. So I now have the utmost of respect for anyone who does such, in whatever capacity, in whatever arena. It may not be my cup of tea, but it doesn’t have to be; it is faith, devotion, & belief in something nonetheless. I am being tested in my life right now, as we all are on a daily basis with our own unique set of challenges. I do not think I am special or that the world should stop & take notice & give me sympathy or pity, or that my challenges are even that big a deal in the scheme of the hardships that billions of others in the world are suffering, but nonetheless they are my own & they still hurt & I still suffer. I know also, because I have faith & trust in The Great Creator, that everything not only WILL be okay, but it is ALREADY okay, BECAUSE I have that faith & trust. I woke up at 4:30 am this morning, forlorn, exhausted because of my sleep issues, & unable to go back to sleep because I instantly started thinking of my troubles. I pondered spending the whole entire day in bed, being depressed & useless, as I still sometimes do. Everything, including myself, seemed meaningless in life. But I pulled myself up anyway, albeit not until 10 am after having snatched a few more hours of shuteye, & willed myself to make something of the day. As I plodded thru, where once I would have worried & feared almost constantly, now I know when I get in that state of mind that all I need to do is stop, breathe deeply, & believe. Believe in myself & my abilities, my strengths, my faith & my trust in a higher power. And that higher power is love. Love is all there is to cling to in this raging sea of inequity & unfairness, violence, hate, & all other ego-driven consequences of man’s ever obvious inability to conquer himself. And even though I am so utterly alone right now, being tossed at every turn by unkindness, scorn, being shunned by even my own children, I know that I must remain steadfast in love & kindness myself, even if every fiber of my past being is screaming at me to do otherwise. And so I will continue to move forward on my unknown journey as we speed with reckless abandon towards a new & tumultuous year, ever hopeful that with it will bring new joys & opportunities for me to reach higher highs & greater love & knowing of the miracles that surround each of us everyday. I wish the same for each of you & all of humanity. The only way to fight evil in the world is to conquer your own ego first thru the power of love. God help us all as we plunge once more into the fray.

Dad

This has taken me awhile to compose. Even now I’m still struggling for a coherent blend of thoughts & remembrances of my father. And although I know it is impossible to sum up the square total of a human’s existence on this planet in a mere banal post, I did want to say something to honor him, as my dad did not have, nor did he want, any kind of service or “hooha” made over him. He wished to just fade away, like he never was, & I find that incredibly sad. So I refuse. Things must be said & I must say them, for everyone deserves to be acknowledged & remembered, their name spoken to the winds. If I had one wish for my dad, it would have been that I wish he could have been happier. I mean, I get it; my dad was born during Depression era times in a dirt floor cabin in the hollers of West Virginia. Kids were viewed as commodities & free farm labor basically, not as something to be “loved”. Yes I’m sure there were some tight knit, loving families out there at the time as well, but my dad didn’t come from one of them. My grandmother, although a kind hearted Christian woman, was married to a surly man of few words & certainly no emotion shown, my grandfather & my father’s father. Times were at a level then that we cannot even fathom, so I know my dad saw some very tough times that then went on to shape his mind & beliefs about the world. Despite these modest beginnings, my father rose above. He got educated, moved to Ohio, got a job at Nationwide Insurance where he worked for decades, met my mom, to whom he was married to for exactly 65 yrs this past May 2023, had 3 children & lived in Columbus & then the Galena/Sunbury area for over 60 yrs. He was a lifelong Buckeyes fan, loved golf & Jack Nicklaus. He was a musician, playing guitar & banjo, along with being a talented sketch artist & painter. He was also a member of the National Guard for a time. My father taught me & my brothers how to ride a bike, took us fishing, camping, & out for ice cream at the Dairy Queen on High St. in Worthington on hot summer nights. I also have fond memories of going to the drive-in movies in our beat-up brown station wagon & of him bringing home KFC like he was our superhero & us cheering & dancing around him when he would walk in the door with that delicious smelling bucket of goodness. He coached my younger brother’s little league football team, played catch with us, & imparted all his fatherly wisdom upon us when we were children. When I was a young girl my father could do no wrong & knew all. When we moved to the country when I was 10 my dad opened his own insurance agency in New Albany, & then later when I was in high school he purchased one of the local pizza joints in our small town & I became the only female pizza delivery person! :) And sure, we went thru some hard times as a family, as most families do, but we never went without & our dad was always there, doing whatever it took to keep the lights on. We weren’t wealthy by any means, but we weren’t poor either like some of the kids that rode my bus each morning that I used to feel so terrible for, watching them get teased because of their greasy hair & grown out of clothes, not sticking up for them, & then feeling guilty because I was glad it wasn’t me. And even though our financial hardships were not by any means my dad’s fault, I think he took each one as a personal failure & like he had let us down. And then he let it partly define & defeat him. I just wish he could have focused more on the positive & the things he DID accomplish, instead of mistakes made, but boy, don’t we all do that, and why? Why DO we only choose to remember the negative & the “bad” instead of all the good & loving & kind things we & others have done while we were here? Why are we so quick to “cancel” everyone & ourselves for mistakes in judgement or intelligence made decades ago when we were different people? I’ve had it done to me for so long by others, I now understand perfectly why so many people just give up in life & quit trying. Life is hard. It’s harder when you don’t feel loved. So Dad, I get it. I understand things now about you that I was not capable of when I was younger. I forgive you & I love you. And I know that wherever you are now, you forgive & love me too. In his retirement years my dad bounced back, invested well, sold our family home in rural Galena where he & my mom had lived for over 40 years, & they moved to “town” to a nice subdivision where, as he claimed upon moving in, he “would die in this house”. He was true to his word. My dad passed at home in the middle of the night with my mom & older brother present, on August 21, 2023. I am happy that he got to enjoy so many wonderful decades with my mother & my brothers close. I lived away in Colorado for over 30 years & although I would not trade that decision for anything, I do realize how much I missed out on. My dad & I completed a project together in 2021; he had always wanted to write a book. My ex had given me a manuscript that his uncle had given him, it being his uncle’s dying wish to have his novel published. And although it was perfectly typed & formatted, the plot stunk to high heaven, so my dad & I rewrote parts of it together, bringing it & the technology in it up to modern standards, & then he submitted it to one of those private publishing companies that will basically publish anything as long as you pay them. It is shown here in one of the pics & anyone who is interested can find it on Amazon. It will never make any best seller lists, but my dad was proud of it & I was happy that I got to help him achieve this one last wish he had. My father & I never had an easy relationship once I reached my teenage & adult years. But as I got older, had my own children & went thru decades of my own hardships, I came to understand that parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Each of us does the best we can with the knowledge & tools we are handed at the time. I have made my peace with it all & with him. I know that he now knows The Secret that awaits each of us when we pass thru the veil & it makes me especially happy to know that when he got to the other side he saw that he was wrong about what awaits. It was always his belief that there was nothing, & now, having received at least 2 signs from him since he’s been gone from this realm, I know that he is telling & showing me that he is still around. I look forward to many more signs along the way, & yes, I will miss you Dad. I wish things could have been different between us, but I also recognize & acknowledge that it could have been much worse. It brings me great peace to know that you are indeed in a much better place than here.

HST

I don't blame you for finally giving up & in, I get it. But I'm still fucking pissed you did. One of my deepest regrets to this day is the fact that in all my years of living in Colorado & knowing you were just 3 hrs away, I never drove up to Woody Creek to meet you. For our eyes to have locked, even for a moment, across the crowded room @ the Woody Creek Tavern or the Jerome, for you to have given me that knowing nod, would have been the greatest acknowledgement from someone I so deeply admired since I was 15 yrs old. You are, and always will be, not just to me but for so many others, a true unsung American hero. The voice of our collective insanity screaming into the gale of the even bigger insanity in this country & this world - politics & "government". You dared tell it like it is, not how we wanted it to be. Yes, one of the larger voices of the underdog, John Q Public, has been silenced now but never forgotten. Our starboard side took a very heavy hit that cold February night of 2005, after football season was over, a very heavy hit indeed. I fear we are doomed. Heaven or Hell, stupid shit like that, that's what they wrote about when you left. So............um, yeah. How's the weather there? Eli Hunter, 2/22/11

Why

Why, when we are our most aggrieved, do we think our most profound, deepest, "best" thoughts? What is it about grief, from what place doth it come to bring upon us its wisdom in that moment, like a wave that overtakes us? It's such a strange sensation, isn't it? Unlike any other of my emotions, it feels more primal, calling me back to a place I no longer remember, long lost, but still belong there. I think they call that home. E. Hunter, 3/30/23 5:20 pm

Levi

Your last day began like so many others just like your sister's 3 weeks before had I knew it was time I knew I was out of time with you. How do I say goodbye to you? you've always been here how do I say thank you for all the years all the hikes all the camping under the stars all times I thought you lost runaway dognapped you brat My wonderful, wild, free spirited one you always went your own way and so how do I thank you? by releasing you unto the heavens the stars, the moon, the sun, the wind, the fields The Universe to run free forever you go my love Libby's come to take you home you go be with your little sis now and you both wait for me there on the path I'll be there someday soon. Levi Lion Reynolds 11/89-8/17/04

Summer Loss

I think those we love most often times leave us in the summer because that is the sweetest time of year, a time in which we can best appreciate, reflect on, and remember those we love. And I think that so many of us choose to go in the summer because that's when we are the happiest and most at peace. Eli Hunter, 7/21/11

2 People

What is it about a big open sky full of stars that can make 2 people who otherwise don't share anything together able to open up (just a little) and talk far into the night? I'll never forget that night one of those magical moments you pressed close to me like a toy refound after a long time gone. That night is over now but the memory of it lingers even still Even now that we're back to our stilted awkward friendship I can say to myself that I remember a time when I had you all to myself under the stars wrapped in a blanket sitting on a rock on the side of a mountain. And you allowed me a peek behind your mask. Eli Hunter, date unknown

Every Once In Awhile

Every once in awhile when I am feeling desperate and lonely and I feel as if I must set off in search of some proof that you once existed I need look no further than my own heart and there you ARE. Eli Hunter, date unknown

Every Night

Every night I get to go away from all my troubles of this life here to see what I cannot see touch what I cannot touch Eli Hunter, date unknown

Still Trying

to be a native american...just stand the wind cries... a sweet soft moan... the earth signs... a single solitary grown... i lift my arms... into the night... i beat my breast... i have that right... everything i was... everything i could be... ripped from my consciousness... lashed into misery... i call upon the stars... i call upon the moon... i call upon the ones... taken too soon... (my long hair flowed... her long hair danced... our love howled... we dared to chance...) and they that came... to TAKE what was not theirs... to trod underfoot... to not even care... but they cannot take the spirit... they cannot take the pride... they cannot make a people... lay down, stay down, die... my fathers lend their hands.. my mothers feed my soul... all i need do is stand... and i retain control... Luana Aleyice DeWitt-Smith 6/19/05, 5 pm

Nothing Like

"Nothing like mangos and vicious emails on a hot summer's day" - Morgan Brown 7/25/22

How Did It Get To Be

How did it get to be so late so early in our time? And why do we keep doing this if we'll never figure out the rhyme? Eli Hunter, date unknown

I Am A Sayer

I am a sayer. Maybe not always known for as much of a doer, but definitely, certainly, a sayer. And as such, this has caused me to feel on the outskirts of the mainstream, cast out as it were into that pot of individuals - journalists, writers, artists, musicians, activists, POC, LGBTQ+; you know, basically all the cool people am I right? Up high, uh never mind. :/. But you know what I'm saying right? That anytime WE speak up, resist, dissent, oppose the status quo, we are persecuted for it, older than time itself I think. Because hOW DARE we be honest, strive for what is true and right and just, right? (see what I did there?) :). People like us are to be stayed away from, because "we might say things" and if you are with us when we do, then you are at risk of going down with the ship, as the sentiment goes. So, castaways. Thankfully, I don't let that bother or stop me anymore, as it once did, when I cared about what white privilege thought in my youth and naivete'. I'm considered "old" now, so I don't give a fuck, get out of my way, coming thru. And this is not to say that I am unkind; I sincerely try now not to wound with my words as I once did, but sometimes there are those out there that need to be knocked up side their heads with reality. The trouble is, reality is subjective. My reality is not YOUR reality, nor yours mine; hence the dilemma. We all share so much commonality here as humans on this same hurtling thru space rock, such oneness, and most of us have such humanity and caring for one another because we realize and see that commonality. What a shame, therefore, that that same "most of us" are forced to live under the reign, rule, and wrongful "truths" of those few in the worldwide population that are content to rape and ruin this planet, strip away our rights one by one before our eyes, and yet ever taxing and putting upon us more of the same societal BULLSHIT that the races need to stay separate, a woman's place is in the home barefoot and always pregnant, the gay need to just get over it and go away, and to the addicts and the homeless? Well sorry about that, we created your very situation but now we can't help you figure it out, sorry. But hold on here. We cool people are not blameless. We have let this happen, because well, you know; we're artists - dreamers, guitar strumming, pot smoking, staring at the stars at night dreamers. We KNOW things are wrong and fucked up out here but we're too lazy or too caught up in our own lives, too stoned, too much drinking, video games, comic con, working on our art and projects or just having to go to a regular job everyday, I get it, I'm no different. But as the saying goes, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change" it really is true. So if you're reading these words, all I'm saying is start where you are - what little, tiny but helpful thing can you start doing today to make your own litle corner of the world more happy, more clean, more organized, more efficient, more sustainable? What can you give up and sacrifice for the greater good of the animals and plants and water on this planet? What few bucks can you donate to a local charity you believe in? What petition can you sign that gets sent to your local and state and federal representatives? Can you stop using straws and plastic cups? JUST SOMETHING PEOPLE, OK? LIKE PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP AT THIS POINT????? JFC! I mean, isn't all this weather shit enough to convince literally ALL OF US that God is not only saying, "Don't make me come down there", but Mother Nature HATH come down here and the Old Lady ain't happy with the work we've done to HER PLANET!! So don't be a dick; don't be content to be that part of the population that doesn't want to hear about it, know what's going on. They are content to talk the talk but are not willing to walk the walk. They are content to just get take out and take out the trash every Tuesday, flip off their fellow man in traffic every morning on the way to their thankless, extremely low paying jobs, and drink themselves into oblivion every weekend and calling THAT living - pause, rinse, repeat. I myself personally have just come to realize that nothing changes unless WE change, unless we truly do become the change we want to see instead of that just being some other buzzphrase we throw around and don't actually enact. And it has to start by looking in the mirror - we can't save the rest of the world from themselves, but we sure can save ourselves - and like Loreal, aren't we worth it?

Enflamed Lovers

"Enflamed lovers, caught up in the moment and excitement of themselves and each other, will smolder more quickly to ashes than good friends ever will". Liz Boyles, July 28, 1980

June 26, 2022 - THE COLORADO AVALANCHE WIN BACK THE STANLEY CUP AFTER 21 YEARS!!!!!!

What a perfect Sunday - The Universe converged in so many ways 4 me today, and Colorado as well - after 2 days of struggling 2 keep from being so angry over the latest devastating ruling from the SCOTUS, today let me turn the corner again and turn back to love. I had a wonderful morning, meeting a guy on my way into the gym who loved the GONZO logo on the back of Hammy and we stopped to talk all things Hunter for a precious few moments, then I had a great workout at the gym, shower, breakfast, then headed on over to my beloved spot #32 at Bear Creek Lake Park for the next glorious 5 days. Got high! Jammed out while setting up camp, and had THE most amazing synchronicity with Michael - he texted me, "c'mon baby, light my fire" at THE EXACT MOMENT that Doors song was playing on my iTunes, like FUCKING WHAT?????? Over 2000 songs on my iTunes, so tell me what the odds are of THAT being random?? Not a chance, The Universe is speaking 2U at every moment, speaking to me. Plus, that song hasn't played on my rotation in years now on my laptop, crazy man, just crazy. Then I had a great convo w/my camping neighbor, went to the store, then settled in 2 stream The Avalanche on my laptop (didn't even have to go to a stinky, sucky sports bar by myself to watch it, stayed right in Hammy, how great is The Internet now, am I right?) beat the pants off Tampa Bay, right as a gorgeous sunset was going down in the campground. Like, huh? I get so much judgement from people, living this nomadic life, being typecast as a homeless drifter, but the question I keep asking myself and y'all is - who wouldn't want to live this way????? Like, hey haters - News flash, but YOU GUYS are the crazy ones! Still subscribing to a system and a time and a set of ideals that no longer, did never in the first place, serve you. So yeah, go pound salt. And thanks Universe; here's to The Colorado Avalanche and all of Colorado for one brief shining moment, before we have to plunge ourselves once more into The Fray; and here's to more perfect summer days ahead.

June 12, 2022 - Summer On A Housesit

WOW!! Days don't get much better than this - Turkeys along the bike path, geocaching a hard find, stoners, spending time with my girl, grocery shopping, cooking, movies & then reviewing the movie after together with our own takes on it. Avocado toast, getting my nose pierced at the same place she did, and we found out the piercer is having a baby on her birthday! (Serendipitious moments I always love and revel in, as they are always such perfect examples of how everything truly IS connected and nothing is random or an accident). Working on Hammy and Morgan on her car, jamming out to da Blues, hot summer weather, A/C and pina colada fruit bars (which, it turns out, if you put them in a blender with some rum make a quite delicious alcoholic smoothie BTW). Happily tired and deeply satisfied with life at the moment; now THIS is what it's all about......more please.

ONCE THERE WAS A GIRL

Once there was a girl who slept in my bed and loved a pug. A moment in time that once was and then never came again.... Once there was a girl who was taken from me when she was 7 and then didn't return until she was 18. All that I missed can never be replaced. You were here this morning and now you're not. A moment in time that once was and then never came again....

IT'S TIME FOR ALL OF US

From the beginning of developing relationships in my life, it has been one struggle after another between what they want and what I want; this is not the way things are supposed to be. Up until now, I have always given in to what they wanted, no matter how banal or stupid, and suffered because of it. When I think of all the things I could have accomplished during all those wasted years, I get so depressed because I realize I did it to myself. A good connection between 2 ppl shouldl consist of mutual respect for the other's beliefs, desires, wants, needs, goals, and feelings. I have never personally experienced this in any relationship in my life, and after having spent the last 10 yrs of my life largely alone, I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with this if this is how I am destined to live out the rest of my life. The relationship I have developed with MYSELF has become far more valuable than any other I have had with another. I enjoy myself and who I am now, I no longer seek or even desire outside validation or approval, and that right there is enough and brings me so much inner peace I cannot tell you. I am not looking for anything different from anyone else; as a human I desire and deserve compassion, warmth, understanding, friendship, passion, and a true love of life from the people and world around me. What I instead attracted to me all those decades long ago was fear, imprisonment, emotional desolation, and setback after setback of my own personal goals. I wanted to blame everyone else, and did, but it was all me and how I felt about myself that determined who came into my life, I see that now. I was in a prison of my own making. We live and learn from our mistakes, or at least that's the hope. That's what life is all about. It's not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond (not react) to it that matters most. For me, self acceptance, forgiveness, and self love has been an over 40 yr journey for me but I finally made it. So here's to freedom, sweet freedom at last! I do not hold hate in my heart any longer for those who did me wrong, and believe me, there was a long line. Hate only begets more hate, and there is already far too much of that in the world, I refuse to participate in it anymore. Instead I simply hold hope and pray that the evil and corrupt and perverse will someday have all of the love they've been missing come into their lives, to the benefit and change of us all and this world we ALL are a part of and live in. For I believe the days are gone now where women (or anyone) is willing to lie down along the wayside and allow the white man to succeed and cum on their backs, while they spend the entire rest of their lives following along behind, picking up after, the remnants and scraps of another's glory. It's time FOR ALL OF US to succeed, it's time FOR ALL OF US to be. ELI HUNTER, DATE UNKNOWN

My Own Version of V.

Many lifetimes together many lifetimes apart words can never convey what is written in my heart. Many wish to know you many think they do My heart will always hurt for what shall never be but in my soul and in my dreams I'll always have my own version of V. Eli Hunter, 1/31/06

what we'll do for u.

we'll give u a place to live... I said reservation not concentration! no the land is NOT ur's. don't u remember the battles we won? we'll give u some land... for the happy hunting u need to do. so what if its desert so what if no buffalo roam. we'll give u some welfare... u can't say we're not christians. now u can pay ur bills. the bills from OUR utility corps. we'll give u some whisky... so u can soar with ur spirit ancestors. so u can sleep at night. so we can sleep at night. Luana Aleyice DeWitt-Smith, June 19, 2005, 4:25 am

A Tree - by Carolyn J. Tinkle

There are few greater beauties That one could hope to see Than the silent strong formation Of the old majestic tree. Its strength is in its roots; Its arms reach toward the sky. Its leaves rustle so gently As the soft wind whispers by. It offers shade to those who rest Beneath its spreading boughs; Lovers carve intialed hearts, Exchanging secret vows. Many artists are inspired By beauty they perceive While contemplating nature Beneath its lacy leaves. Birds make homes on sturdy limbs, Protected from the night; Squirrels cavorting round its trunk Give watchers such delight. Children's fantasies expand As they climb up and play; Swings attached to higher limbs Bring joy each autumn day. Its wood is used for shelter, For paper, books, and toys; Another of God's blessings Gives help as well as joy.

For Allen & Pearl Harbor Day

"We mourn so that we might live anew; and this, therefore, is for all of you." 12/7/11 - Eli Hunter

A Photographer

Being a photographer to me means capturing things; capturing them in time so that there is a record of it having been - pet hamsters and tortoises, our children in their joyous youth before they are grown and gone, the dogs that have shared our lives, the places we have traveled. Yes, in our "glorious" age of capturing virtually everything right down to our food and drink, I get it, we are now social media oversaturated. I have also learned how vital and of the utmost importance living in the present moment is to our mental health and how we need to turn off all of our electronics and spend as much time in Mother Nature's bosom as we can before it and we are all gone. From a very young age, I remember so many instances of looking around me wanting to "keep" all the special moments that happened in my life, while they were happening. So when I found out what a camera was and what it did, I was hooked. To me, and I have especially found this to be true as I have gotten older and my memory isn't what it used to be, if you don't capture those moments - well, memories fade and then disappear altogether and then it's as if it never was. But with a photograph, you can point to it and say, "See that? I was there, I did that". Eli Hunter 10/20/11 and 5/18/22

Thank U

Thank u It is and was a wonderful life what else was there to hope for, knowing it was the only one you were going to remember anyway. Eli Hunter 9/15/11

2B Beautiful

2B beautiful trapped inside what others see no one expects anything intelligent creative sensible to come out of you 2B beautiful already defined by others standards instead of the ones you set for yourself 2B beautiful objectified sexually by men wondering what you would be like to fuck. Eli Hunter, year unknown

Out of Sight Out of Mind

"Why is it always out of sight out of mind?; just because I go inside doesn't mean the clouds go away." Elizabeth A. Ell

Today I Came Home

Today I came home to the Mountains No other inanimate experience Can make me so humbled and Fill me with such awe As returning to the Womb created by these Mountains. Date unknown, Eli Hunter

Owl Angel

Silently you must have flown thru the Bouldered night sky thinking majestic thoughts hunting your unsuspecting prey And then you left your dusky, perfect imprint upon my windowpane you also left me to wonder forever what you were like. A white feather is all I have now; I keep it in my car and look at it often. Fly on, sweet white owl angel, fly on. E. Hunter, 1992

Innuendo

Innuendo/heavy in the window I love the way the innuendo hangs heavy in the window. 1/17/18 E. Hunter

To Herb

sometimes I still look in all the places around the house where u used 2 hide - by the basket beside the fireplace, in the pantry, under the footrest in my office, & especially under my bed, perhaps hoping that some fairy magic will work its way into my adult life & manifest you in one of those places, hoping against all hope that I will lift the bedskirt & see your tan brown shell self sleeping wondrously underneath once more. E. Hunter, around 2007 or 2008

Life Is....

Life is like a sad song with sunshine in between. E. Hunter, date unknown

While We Were

While we was out fishin' you were drowning on a purty Erie day nineteen years old is much too young to die and go away. Now somebody's gonna be mournin' while we're camping & drinking pulled out by your feet and all we were worried about that night was what were we gonna have to eat? Life is strange that way, ain't it? we're so unaffected by death even when inches away as long as it's not happening to us. E. Ell 7/3/90

FLAME

The flame of my hope is like the fire there, flickering never ready to go out never quite burning brightly ... and always something hovering above it waiting to snuff it out. E. Ell 7/5/90

Topic of the Day: Why (Most) People Never Change

Well, because for one thing let's face it, waaaaaaaahhhhhh, it's hard, it really is. It takes effort and focus and daily baby steps towards accomplishing said change. So that's the Number 1 reason why most people don't: we've been taught to stay in line and follow rules and go to work 40 hrs a week at a job we despise just to cover our monthly nut, hang out at the same bars, play the same video games, binge watch the same shit under a different title, eat the same terrible food, post to and spend hours down rabbitholes of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube.....sorry, not trying to lay it on thick, but you need to REALLY see the big picture here. We are DROWNING in distraction, developed by a media, government, society, that only has one purpose in mind, and that is to keep us that way. Robots, zombies, good little girls and boys, to do what they want, which is to dumb us down, keep us fat, lazy, uncaring, unaware, and most of all.......consuming constantly whatever it is they are dishing out.

We are SO bogged down by everything external that it keeps us from focusing on where the REAL growth will ever occur, and that is inside ourselves. For it is only until you change your inner thoughts, beliefs, and patterns that anything OUTER can ever manifest for you. It really IS just that simple.

But HOW you ask? Well the first step is just to be aware - as Mary Morrissey is famous for saying, "Notice what you're noticing". Pay attention, show up in your own life, take control of your vessel, steer your own ship and forget what everyone else is doing with theirs. This is not to say we don't still care and love others, to the contrary. It just means that we will now no longer focus on trying to change anyone else's course with Destiny, just our own. And through doing THIS, it WILL affect those around you and benefit them as well. Because when you get better, everything else around you starts to as well, or else it just drops away from your life. As you elevate your vibration and start to live a more authentic life, The Universe has no choice but to correspond to what you are putting out. That is an irrefutable Universal Truth that cannot be deviated from. It's simply science.

This topic of the senselessness of trying to change others came up in a friend's feed today that I got a little too carried away with expressing to a friend of HERS in the Comment section, so obviously it's a huge topic on my mind and in my life that continues to manifest. Being back in Ohio for my extended stay currently has brought me back to this recurring issue with my family and just people in general that The Universe insists I solve now if I am to move forward. And I am. I am confronting this and putting it out there, and so wanted to share it with all of you.

I have blamed others and played victim my whole entire life up until the past 5 yrs, when I set out on my own to live in my 1956 renovated vintage camper "Hammy" after Husband #3 booted me to the curb after less than 6 months of being married. "What was WRONG with me?", I asked myself yet again, after I thought I had conquered this pattern in my life once or twice before. 'Why does this keep showing up in my life?' I was genuinely baffled. It took me over 3 decades to learn that I was truly the only one that was attracting everything that was happening to me. What we reap, we sow, what we put out, comes back, like an echo. This comes as a blow to us all, it's a tough one to swallow, I get it, I was no different. But the faster you can get this thru your head, the quicker you will evolve, trust me on this one.

My past 5 1/2 yrs has shown me, over excruciatingly painful encounters and experiences, my true self and inner strength. It has given me a love and appreciation for myself now that I never would have experienced if I had stayed in my comfort zone. Did I enjoy those experiences? No. No one likes bad juju coming down on them, ever. But unless we get out there and do battle with it, instead of lying down and admitting defeat before we've ever even begun, then we will just flat out never know what our lives could have been.

I couldn't see the role I was playing in my own life to attract to me exactly the opposite of what I wanted, so how could I any longer blame my parents, or ANYONE for that matter for not being able to do the same? We can't "point out" or change anyone else's behavior, that is up to them to want to motivate and really make the effort to change, and most people don't. They remain stuck forever in their patterns and comfort zones because of everything we have been programmed and taught to believe. The paradox is that you cannot see or realize any of this until you break free from it by raising your consciousness. And Society and the media and our families, and our jobs and our friends do a really good job of keeping us from doing that.

So just notice what you're noticing in your own lives people, and start to evoke a change, just a tiny one at first, no big whoop. They say it takes 30 days to change a habit, 60 days to make it a new pattern, and 90 days to make it a lifelong habit. So what's one thing you wish you could change about your life right now? What's one tiny thing, baby step you can do today, to get there?

Then just do that. And keep doing that. Baby steps turn into big steps, and pretty soon you'll look behind you and see how far you've stepped. I have. But then I look in front of me and see how far I have yet to travel on my life's journey and it makes me happy and excited now, filled with wonder and joy and peace and gratefulness and a fine sense of adventure to boot! :)

I still have a bad day here and there, we all do and we will all continue to. Buddha says, "To live is to suffer". But I now no longer dread living, look at it as a chore or an obligation, cry all the time and am fearful every moment of what will become of me. I have kicked a lifetime of sadness, regret, and depression without meds for over 5 yrs now (with the exception of MMJ of course). And it all happened because I reprogrammed my way of thinking and believing in myself and my reality that I have created around me.

I wish you all a very blessed new year, and that you will count those blessings everyday. For always remember that no matter how bad you think you have it, there is always always ALWAYS someone out there that is having a WAY worse one than you, so be kind. Just love everyone. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no man, and we become what we eat, say, think, do, see, and where we go. So turn left today. Or right. Or go straight. Or turn around completely. See where life leads you. Change is good, Caveman. Change is essential for the survival of the species. Adapt or die, ya know?

I will leave you all with my most favorite quote ever, by a highly evolved woman whom I admire deeply, Marianne Williamson. This hangs on one of my cabinets in Hammy, and I look at it often:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

February 20, 2018

February 20th will, for the rest of my life, simply be known as The Day Hunter Left Us.  There is no blame, no anger anymore, only acceptance, forgiveness, love, peace, and compassion for what he went through for all of us.  A day to celebrate one of my true heroes, like the Buddha, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, the list goes on and on.  But Hunter was different, for he never took the path of least resistance, of passivity.  

And that’s where I come in, and how I came to love Hunter so much.  I have always been the outspoken black sheep of my own family, misaligned, misunderstood, and always told “I had an attitude, a chip on my shoulder”.  I always had to do things the hard way, suffer the most, in order to learn the most (sometimes learning the same lesson over and over again over decades).  

So when I was 15 yrs old and everything was starting to change for me, my eyes were being opened to the true ways of the world, sex, drugs, rock and roll and so on, my older brother handed me a copy of Fear and Loathing and my mind was forever blown.

That there could exist someone in the world who flew in the face of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that he came in contact with, blew in and out like a tornado and didn’t give a FUCK what anyone thought of him ever, I was hooked, I was in.  I would be a soldier for such a person, are you kidding me?  Hunter was singing my song - so you really COULD live without giving fucks and do what you want!  Yes!  I devoured everything I could find at my local library about him.  When I found out he lived in Woody Creek, CO, that’s where I was going to move someday.  And although I DID end up moving to the mountains of Colorado in late 1990 and have been here ever since, I never quite made it to Woody Creek to meet my hero (Aspen’s a little expensive this time of year don’t you know dahling). 

No, I was busy raising my kids and being mom and girlfriend.  I simply couldn’t be bothered at that time to drive the 3 1/2 hrs to Woody Creek to sidle up to my writing and life mentor at the WCT and say hi and how much I admired him.  He would be there for years to come, I said, I’ll have time.

 And so of course along with the rest of the Gonzo world, we were all crushed beyond words when news reached us in the early morning hours of February 21st that Hunter was gone.  By his own hand, as many suspected it would go down.  We just never wanted to actually believe he would really do it and leave us.  But that day had to come, as it does for us all.  

It wasn’t until Hunter’s passing and I heard that The Colonel and Anita were building the Gonzo fireworks cannon and there was going to be a huge celebration that I made the decision right then and there that I was going, one way or another, I would be there.  And I was (which you can read here: https://goingoingonzo.blogspot.com/2006/02/fear-and-loathing-in-pitkin-county_20.html )

So February 20th?  It will always be frigid, no matter where I am in the world.  I will always feel cold, will always miss you, will always have a missing piece, and damn sure am NEVER going to stop saying the things that still need to be said.  NEVER stop standing up for justice and what is right, holding our government and its wormlike politcians accountable for their decisions that affect all of us, NEVER stop fighting for equality and a solution to the soullessness and greedy selfishness that has taken over here in the United States of America.  Never will I stop.  We are all in this together, y’all, and so I say to you - what are YOU going to do, NOW, TODAY, in your little corner of the world, to be part of the solution and not the problem?

Long live Hunter S. Thompson, and all of us that continue the fight in his honor.  I love you HST, wherever your energy resides now.  You bought the ticket and took the ride, at your own expense, your body paid the ultimate price, and you did it for the sake of the rest of us, so that we would not be on the front lines bearing the brunt, the sheer weight of the world.  For you so loved us that much. 

Dear Mr. Fill In The Blank

DEAR MR FILL IN THE BLANK :

(written somewhere between 1980-2013 :)), constituting all of my relationships;  haha kidding not kidding, but really written around 1989)

I spent so much time with you and for what?  To sit here now weeping?

There’s so much we need to talk about, much of which will never get said.

Maybe time will heal the pain, I don’t know.  But I do know that I’ll always think of you in the time to come and I’ll wonder who you’re with and you’ll wonder who I’m with.  And it will make us sad.  I loved you so much , I will miss you so.

Pain.  So much pain I carry around in this weary body.  Things make it go away for awhile, but eventually it all comes creeping back like shadows under the door at twilight.  Sometimes I think I have so much in my life, and then there are times like these that I feel like all I have are my memories to sustain me.  Memories of all the ones who will never come again.  I never know at any given moment which memory of who will pop into my brain, taking me back to a time when I was younger and freer.  Sometimes I’d almost give anything to live some of them again.

I have too much love to give to waste it on you.  Do you know how sad that is to say?  I feel so badly for you that you’ll never know what true love is.  I know, but have yet to experience it in full bloom.  Oh sure, I’ve had snatches of it here and there, I guess that’s what’s sustained me this far.  But I know there is something glorious out there waiting for me.  Leaving you to find it, to save myself, believe me is one the hardest things I have ever had to do.  But it must be done.  

If you could have shined the light on it, you could have come my way.

I knew the drifting apart would come.  I just wasn’t ready for it to come like a tidal wave tonight at dinner.  All of a sudden it hit me, like I haven’t known it for so long already:

There’s never going to be me and you again.  You’ve been added to the memory list now.  I never thought I’d see you here, thought you’d always be here with me where I thought you belonged.

So take me out of your heart.  I can’t be there anymore, don cha see?  I can’t do it.  I don’t belong there.  Leave me!  RUN! Run and don’t look back.  ‘Cause whether it happens today, tomorrow, next week or in the next six months, it’s gonna happen.  Someone is going to take your place in my heart.

In fact, it’s happening already.

I’m sorry for you.  Not for me, no, I always knew I’d make it, always know I will.  But you, you’re like this child trapped in a man’s body, helpless by your own hand, always reaching for but never quite grasping the doorknob of the door that’s gonna open it all for you.  

The Gonzo Hunter

Slow Dance

I don't know who this poem was written by, if anyone knows please let me know so I can attribute it.  It was re-published in The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss, which I have recently completed reading and highly recommend for anyone wishing to know how to live a truly mobile and free lifestyle and still earn income so you're not living in a van down by the river, or in a heavily fortified vintage camper on a former horse ranch in Northern Colorado.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain 

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic 

flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading 

night?

You better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask:  How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You’d better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,

We’ll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say, “Hi”?

You better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get 

somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through

your day,

It is like an unopened gift thrown

away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower.

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Poems by A. DeWitt

Two poems from a very dear friend of mine that I wanted to share with you all:

MAGIC

Magic;

they say there’s no such thing

Tragic;

such joy magic could bring

Believe;

trust & it will come true

Relieve;

let the magic wash over you

Enjoy;

It will sweep you away

Decoy;

let them think its an ordinary day

Magic;

all around, for those who know

Tragic;

no magic for those who are too slow.

-  A. DeWitt

So Old

I study her with infinite care

this lady who is so old

She’s fascinating, although bizarre

Please don’t think I’m cold

Just look at her, see the skin

Its weathered to a thin sheet

Every tired muscle, every broken vein

Pardon me, I’m not discreet

her hair once so glorious

now hangs in a mass

Smelling faintly aromatic

from perfume promised to last

The face that once stopped hearts

the body that once pounded blood

now obliterated & formless

longing once more to be loved

But her eyes still burn brightly

looking out from the far past

Oh tell me, what do you see

if I might be so bold to ask

A. DeWitt

Do Not Stand

"Do not stand by my grave and weep, for I am not there.  I do not sleep.  I am the thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints in the snow."
                                                                     ~ Attributed to Clare Harner Lyons or e.e. cummings

A Day of Life

My youngest started college this past August, the last one out of the nest.  It hit me hard, harder than I thought it would.  I was happy and grateful, therefore, when she decided to stay in state, albeit an hour away.  Not wanting or quite ready to let her go, and after 26 years in Denver and the surrounding suburbs, with no ties to keep me there any longer, I decided to move north with her and make a new home and life for myself as well.  New, fresh beginnings for both of us, and mom could stay on the fringes and share in her college experience.

The weeks whirred by as she settled into her routine at school and I into my new life.  Life was also happening, although not as happily, just about everywhere else in the United States as those weeks went by - Hurricanes Harvey and Irma devastated lives from Texas to Puerto Rico, as did all of the wildfires in Montana, Washington, and Oregon.  Then the massacre in Las Vegas came, and Tom Petty died the next day of massive cardiac arrest, followed by even more catastrophic wildfires in Santa Rosa, Napa, Calistoga, and other parts of Northern California.  I reeled from it all, overwhelmed by each seemingly endless wave upon wave of horror and hate, praying on a daily basis for some relief for all of those suffering so terribly.  I even felt guilty for being so happy in my own life and for living in such a beautiful place far far away from where everything was happening.  I tried to talk to my daughters about all the frightening events, thinking surely they must be affected too, but they were blissfully young and oblivious, wrapped up in their own lives.  And although I admit their tunnel vision irritated me, I supposed that it was as it should be.  It brought me back to the saying of the Buddha, of “we cannot worry about what we cannot control”, so I let them be and struggled to maintain my own sense of order in my own world.   

Fall came, and in glorious fashion as it tends to do here in Colorado.  I revel in this time of year - the trees, the crispness in the air, the pumpkin patches, corn mazes, haunted houses, sipping coffee on chilly mornings as you gaze out at it all.  You don’t have to go very far anywhere in Colorado to see just simply eye popping vistas, and beauty abounds everywhere.  Therefore, as Parents Weekend and Homecoming loomed at my daughters school, we made a solid plan to spend a whole, long Sunday together, just she and I and the dogs.  I was excited and looked forward to it this whole week, planning a wonderful itinerary of what we would do - breakfast, a scenic drive, a stop at a pumpkin patch to buy our “punnins”, taking photographs all along the way, followed by sushi and the Broncos game that evening.  It was all set and it was going to be perfect.

As a quick side note to this story, but a point that will become important to know about me as you continue reading, I make my living currently as a starving writer and driver, driving nights for the bar crowd.  This of course means that I pick up drunk, obnoxious, asshole people nightly.  I used to drink but now, constantly bearing witness sober to the effects alcohol has on others, I have largely given it up.  I have also become somewhat of an asshole myself about it and its evils to my children, who make no secret that they themselves indulge.  But, knowing that I myself engaged in years of my teens and twenties of drug and alcohol infused parties, I also feel like a hypocrite for harping on them, so I must trust in their judgement and the morals and values I instilled in them and let them be.  Until today.

While I was out driving this past Friday (the 13th) evening, one of my passengers asked if I had been driving that afternoon when a traffic fatality had occurred on College Ave.  I said that I had just started driving in the last hour and no, I wasn’t aware and hadn’t heard or seen anything.  I asked him for details and all he knew was that a motorcycle had been involved and that the guy hadn’t been wearing a helmet.  I exclaimed how horrible and tragic it was, and then we went on to other conversation, as we humans do when it isn’t happening to us.  

Fast forward then to today, Sunday.  Working nights, I had to set my alarm and arise “early” (for me) at 11 am in order to get dressed, make my bed, brush my teeth, take the dogs out and put everything in the car for the day and set out to meet my daughter on time.  Even though I hadn’t slept well and was so hungry I was feeling faint, I pushed my grumpiness aside and forged on.  The day I had planned with my beautiful daughter would be worth it, and the weather had also shown up in grand style.  I was in my new car of 3 weeks, a 2016 Ford Escape that had come with every known option that I was still getting used to and loving every minute of, when a text came in from my daughter - “what time are you coming?” it said.  I commanded the car to text her back while I drove, again reveling in the luxury of my new automobile, which is a drastic upgrade from my previous one, a 2004 Chevy Tahoe.  “I am on my way and will be there at 1 pm just like we planned”, the car texted back.  Then my phone rings.  It is my daughter and the car answers and puts her voice on the car’s speakers via Bluetooth, another feature about my car I can’t get over.  I realize for most nowadays this is nothing to get excited about but for me right now it is still an exciting big deal.  I say “Hi honey!” excitedly and her voice answers back, a tone of frantic in it - “Mom!  I’ve been trying to call you!  A friend of mine from out of town surprised me this morning and I really really want to spend some time with her before she has to leave today - do you mind if we hang out just a little later, like in an hour or so?”

I’m stunned and hurt.  My daughter has done this many times before, and as any parent knows, we frequently get pushed to the bottom of the totem pole when friends happen.  This time, however, I resist and push back, my anger rising.  “But honey, I’m already on my way, what am I supposed to do now for an hour, I’m only like 20 minutes away!”  She replies that they are already on their way to breakfast, our breakfast.  My anger grows even more.  Oh, so she isn’t ASKING me if we can postpone, she is TELLING me, because she has already changed the plan and is already with her friend.  I tell her to just go then, and I will go do some errands and catch up to her when they are done.  I abruptly hang up.  She calls back, and sensing my anger, invites me to breakfast with them.  I decline, saying I am pissed and don’t want to ruin their time.  She calls back one more time, still trying to get me to come, saying they are at Denny’s, which she knows is my favorite breakfast place, and do I want her to order for me?  I tell her no, but for her to just stay there after her friend leaves and I will come after my errands and she will just have to sit thru another breakfast with me.  She agrees and we hang up.  I am now seething with anger and hurt.  “How could she do this and now screw up the whole entire day of everything I had planned?”  “I can’t believe she went to Denny’s with HER” and on and on selfishly I go.

I stop and get gas and go thru the automated car wash to put on my makeup and calm the fuck down.  I finally do and continue on my way.  By the time I get to Denny’s I am fine and resolved to the new plan for the day.  So what, we’re only an hour behind, I tell myself, it’s fine.  I walk into Denny’s and look anxiously around for my daughter.  She is nowhere to be found.  The hostess asks who I am looking for and I ask if 2 girls are there.  She replies that 4 girls just walked out a minute ago before I got there.  I call my daughter.  “Where are you?”, I ask, “I’m here at Denny’s and the hostess said 4 girls just left”.  “Yeah?”, my daughter replies, “I thought you said we were going to meet up later somewhere else.”  “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”, I explode, “I never AT ANY TIME told you to leave Denny’s, I said I was coming here and you were going to have to sit thru another breakfast with me.  What about that did you not understand?  Come back now!” I yell into the phone.  “Well if you’re going to be so mad”, she replies, “then I don’t want to come back”.  “Oh, well you’re coming back”, I scream, “I don’t really give a shit at this point what YOU want!”, and I then do the modern day version of slamming down the handset on the cradle, which amounts to pushing the button on my phone and hanging up on her.  I sit down at a booth and put my head in my hands, trying to regain what little is left of my composure.  I SERIOUSLY need some fucking coffee and food. The waitress comes.  I already know what I want, my usual that I always get at Dennys, and am about to tell her, except my daughter is calling me again.  “WHAT????” I again scream into the phone, “Why do you keep calling me?  Just GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, I am NOT going to talk to you anymore on the phone!!!!!” I again hang up on her, and now everyone is looking at me.  I am a horrible, white trash human in that moment, and I don’t even care.  I have lost control and I know it and own it.  I glare at those around me like, “Yeah, say something, I dare you.”

My daughter finally walks in and plunks down opposite me in the booth.  I give her the shittiest look I can muster and then immerse myself in the map I have brought in with me to plan our drive for the day which I now am less than thrilled to be doing with her.  My food comes.  My eggs are grossly under cooked and I shove them back to the waitress, telling her so and demanding my coffee.  She knows I am in no mood and promptly disappears to oblige me.  I start to devour my other food and my daughter then begins to demand that I apologize to her for speaking to her the way that I did and for hanging up on her.  I give her a “you’re fucking kidding me right?” look and calmly explain that I have no intention of apologizing for being angry at her for screwing up our day that we planned and that I have been greatly looking forward to.  I then change the subject and start trying to salvage the day, one of many attempts I will make throughout the rest of the day as things continue to devolve.

I ask if she went to the previous nights football game, which was sold out and I had followed via my various passengers throughout the night that had left the game early due to the cold. It was an exciting, back and forth game, with CSU eventually pulling it out over Nevada.  This is when she drops the next bomb.  Oh yeah, she went to the game, but left early due to the fact that she got a ticket from the campus police for underage drinking and “just wasn’t feeling it after that”.  I drop my fork loudly onto my plate - “What the fuck did you just say, you got a what????”  She then launches very matter of factly and indignantly into her version of the story about how the cops were being assholes and how she plans to dispute it because they didn’t give her a Breathalyzer, even though they gave her other field sobriety tests and she was openly stumbling.   “Oh, ok”, I say, “you’re going to dispute it because they were wrong and you were right, is that what I’m hearing?  Good luck with that”.  My blood is now BOILING, but because I can’t kill her there in the restaurant with everyone else watching, and because my glorious coffee has just arrived and I want to sit there and enjoy it, I refrain from leaping across the table and wrapping my hands around her smug, 18 year old throat and throttling her.  

I ask her how much the ticket is and she doesn’t want to tell me.  “Again Morgan, I don’t really care what you want at this point.  I asked you a question and you will answer me.”  “$150”, she snips.  I then pump her for details of the entire story and the story keeps changing and evolving  so I eventually give up.  She intimates at one point that other parents of her friends “may have” seen them drinking and allowed it, to which I again blow my stack and tell her that if I ever find out who these parents are I will press charges against them so she better never tell me.  If they want to let their own kids drink that’s one thing, but they’re not going to let MY child drink.  She then backs away from this claim and says she was at a frat house tailgate party and I just wave at her to stop, I’ve heard enough and the outcome is the same, she got a ticket.  At this point I am already exhausted by everything that has happened, my food and coffee are gone, I just want to pay the bill and sink into the leather seat of my wonderful car and get the fuck out of there.  We do.

After stopping by her dorm and wasting more time for her to change, which she didn’t have time to do earlier, we finally get on our way back to my camper to pick up the dogs and start our scenic drive.  We again make a gallant attempt on the way to be pleasant and save the day.  It doesn’t work very well and by the time we arrive at the camper we have suffered most of the way in silence.  We load the dogs in the car and I am so flustered and discombobulated that I make a mistake that almost cost me my dogs’ lives.  In our haste to leave, and because I still am not used to my new car and its automated lift gate, I drive away with the tailgate open.  We drive only about a mile to the small roadside “pumpkin patch” that I had seen days before and had already planned as our first stop, but when we got out and I realized what I had done and the possible consequences it could have had, I stood there in a dazed, stunned silence.  The dogs just sat there looking at me like “WTF Mom?”  With the shorter cargo space now in the back and my new car being much lower to the ground than the Tahoe, one or both of them could have easily tumbled to the roadway and been hit and killed by a car behind me, or at the very least, seriously injured.  A huge bullet had been dodged, and I thanked the Universe above.  

I closed the lift gate, breathed a serious sigh of relief, looked at my daughter like “yeah, I’m a fucking idiot”, rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the lovely roadside pumpkin and squash display that the homeowners had lovingly put together.  The previous horrible moment then passed and I thought FINALLY we could put all the shittiness behind us.  I started snapping some great pics of Morgan by the display, we were picking out and commenting on the various pumpkins and their shapes and colors, and soon the mood lifted again.  We heard voices and were soon joined by the mother of the homeowners, who was visiting from CA, and her grandson.  Morgan took a few photos of them with the woman’s cell phone, I paid for our pumpkins in the honor jar, and by this time the whole family had come outside.  I talked briefly to the ladies and thanked them for giving their proceeds to a hurricane relief family, and said I would much rather get my pumpkins from them instead of the overpriced ones at the grocery store.  Morgan and I then jumped back into the car.  My spirit rejuvenated, I sat for a moment in the driveway watching the parents play with their children, the dad chasing the older boy around the yard, just watching life happen.  I then picked up my camera and started snapping pics of them.  They were oblivious and paying no attention to us.  “Mom, you’re being seriously creepy right now”, Morgan blurted out.  Again hurt and insulted, I turned and gave her a very annoyed look.  “How am I possibly being creepy?  I’m documenting these peoples’ lives; look at them, just being happy on a Sunday afternoon.  I’m capturing art; it’s what a photographer does.  And I think if I ever came back and left the photos in their mailbox they would be seriously happy I captured their lives in a moment of pure bliss, so piss off.”  And with that I started the car, backed out of the driveway, and promptly and completely gave up on any further notion of having any sort of the nice day that I had looked forward to for over a week with my own child.  Yep, I left that silly idea once and for all in those nice peoples’ driveway, just dropped it off like a piece of forgotten luggage at the airport and drove away.  It just wasn’t going to happen, nope, not today.

After that we stopped briefly at a therapy horse center for me to get their phone number for a possible volunteer opportunity for myself in the future, then we saw a sign for an artist’s open house and sale and popped in on a very nice and talented artist lady, with whom we chatted for a bit before once again continuing on our way.  Coming upon a public open space park, we stopped to let the dogs have a potty break, then we drove on in back to Fort Collins.  It was just slightly before 5 pm.  My original plan had been to take my daughter and I out for sushi to celebrate and wrap up the day, and then maybe watch the Broncos game together if she was up for it, but now my only thought was to just drop her back at her dorm and basically commence not speaking to her for at least a week, as my annoyance had only grown with her throughout the day instead of diminishing.  I wasn’t about to reward her behavior with sushi.

As we passed a new park in Fort Collins that I had not seen yet, and because there was still some delicious photographic sunlight left, I decided to stop one last time and take some more photos.  As Morgan complained about pushing Bella’s dog stroller thru the grass and questioned why we were going this way instead of staying on the easier sidewalk, I once again gritted my teeth and explained that I wanted to make our way over to this fabulous, magnificent tree that sat smack in the middle of the park.  I have a thing for trees, and this one was perfectly shaped and the sun was coming through it just right.  Jack, our bigger dog, started his antics, hamming for the camera and rolling in the grass, and Bella the pug just always looks so damn cute in her stroller, so soon I was snapping away again and the shots were gorgeous.  I again momentarily forgot my annoyance at my daughter and the moment brought me to tears.   It was a perfect fall day, the sun was setting, there was a peewee football game going on on one side of us, some goofy guys playing croquet on the other side of us, and me, my daughter, and our dogs were all together under a perfect tree.  This is why I had become a photographer when I was 12 years old, and this is what the earlier artist and I had been expounding upon.  She had perfectly understood, as she had explained her plein art technique to me, the nuances of capturing a fading moment before it was gone, never to come again.  Like never being able to step in the same river twice, you can go back and do something similar to what you did in the past, but it will never be exactly the same thing.  And even at the tender age of 12 years old, I was able to grasp the realization that moments pass, and if you don’t do something to capture and remember them, they will forever be forgotten and/or unrealized by yourself and others.  I remember as a child this making me profoundly very sad, as I never wanted anything to be forgotten or left behind.  I wanted every piece of my life to be documented in photographs from then on.

I turned away from my daughter and wiped my tears.  “Let’s get going now”, I said, and we made our way back to the car.  At her dorm finally, I gave her a quick hug, told her I was sorry for my part in the day going south, and quickly departed.  What happened next was nothing short of Divine Intervention on the Universe’s part, and because I firmly believe there are no accidents, I know it was the Universe’s intention that I witness every single bit of it to teach me a greatly needed lesson.

I had meant to pee while I was at my daughter’s dorm, but because campus police frowned upon parking, even momentarily, in the bike lane on the street, I thought better of it and left, telling myself I would stop at the first available gas station or 7 Eleven.  Being distracted by my thoughts and stuck in the middle lane of southbound College Ave., I missed several opportunities to stop and relieve myself.  When I finally came to and got over into the far right lane, I spotted a McDonald’s up ahead and put my blinker on.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I would never willingly stop at a McDonald’s unless I had a damn good reason to.  I haven’t eaten their food for decades, am against everything they stand for, and consider them to be a super sized enemy of all that is right and good.  So again, I completely know that it was The Universe that decided to press extra hard on my bladder right at that moment and say, “You will stop here right now because you must bear witness to what is about to happen”.  

As I was turning into McDonald’s, my attention was suddenly drawn to a small group of people huddled on the narrow median in the middle of the street.  As quickly as I had the thought, “What the hell are they doing crossing the street right there?”, my eyes were drawn to the older woman amongst them.  She was sobbing, no, wailing, uncontrollably, and the older man, most probably her husband, was holding her up, as her knees had buckled underneath her.  I pulled into a parking spot, my eyes riveted upon them.  In one horrifying instant, I understood exactly what I was looking at.  As the traffic whirled oblivious around them, and people bustled oblivious by me going into Micky D’s to get their coffees and Big Macs, The Universe had made damn fucking sure that I had pulled into this parking lot at this exact moment, to witness the grief of the family and friends of the young man who had lost his life in the motorcycle accident on Friday the 13th, 2 days prior.  30 seconds before or after, and I would have missed it.  And had I not picked up that passenger on Friday and he not told me about the accident, I would never have known about it.  How I instantly knew that this was what I was watching, I cannot tell you, but it was all part of the Universe’s plan to kick me in the teeth.  I watched as this mother wanted to stand in the exact spot where her son had spent his last moments on Earth, and I just completely fucking lost it.  Tears poured down my face and I covered my mouth in horror at what I was witnessing.  It was a surreal scene, as if out of a movie, and it was for me alone to see.  

As they led her finally across to my side of the street, where they stood for several more minutes and she made no attempt to compose herself, she was just lost in her grief, I wanted so badly to run to her, to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I felt her pain, but I didn’t want to intrude on their very private public moment, nor to embarrass them, so I refrained.  Instead I stayed in my car with my own grief and shame over how I had acted towards my daughter all day, how annoyed and angry I had been with her over stupid shit that could have been much, MUCH worse, and what a selfish piece of shit I had been to let my own expectations and perceptions ruin the day, not her.  

The family eventually got the mother into their truck, and they drove away.  When I was finally able to compose myself, I did the same.  How I made it home in my daze I don’t know, but when I finally closed the door on the sanctuary in my beloved tiny vintage trailer, I collapsed on the floor on Jack’s bed with he and Bella, clutched them to me and just heaved great sobs until I could cry no more.  Everything from the past couple of weeks, all the horror of all of the tragedies just came pouring out of me where I had been holding it all in, and the great preciousness of how very delicate Life is was hammered into me once more.  Whenever I get too smug and think I KNOW this, and therefore don’t have to LIVE IT anymore, and I can preach it to others, it is guaranteed that The Universe will come ‘round and knock me upside the head with it again.  My only 2 prayers tonight?  One was of gratitude for not losing my daughter or my dogs today or yesterday, and grateful for the tiny, beautiful life I have, and the other prayer was one of sorrow and pain for everyone who has lost their lives in the hurricanes, the floods, the fires, and the Las Vegas shooting.  But mostly it was for that mother, standing on a median in the middle of a busy street on a perfect fall day in Colorado, mourning not just the loss of her son, but mourning the loss of her own life that will now never be the same, along with everything that will now not ever come to pass because he is gone.  In that moment I became her, I felt the raw emotion of her pain, and it rocked me to my core.  It struck fear into my heart as a parent, and you find yourself bargaining with God or the Devil, you don’t know which and you don’t care, to please, PLEASE never let me know what it is like to lose a child.  Please PLEASE let my children long outlive me, and please PLEASE let the natural order of life be fulfilled in my own family, as we bear witness as a society to so many that are not afforded this luxury.  I stared at the new, beautiful little pumpkin sitting on my counter that I had purchased earlier that afternoon and thought of all of the children and men and women that will never see another fall or pumpkin in their lives because those lives were cut short by a natural disaster or a madman or just a simple, horrible mistake.  

Please cherish your life.  Please love your children every moment, not just when they are making you proud.  Please realize what you have before it is taken away, and mostly just shut the fuck up and stop complaining and be happy before you’re dead, because you will be all too soon.  Be kind. Help others.  Give what you have to give.  Be generous with your time, your love, and your money.  Please live a day of life every day.  Thank you for reading one of mine.

(Side Note:  When I finally recovered from my day, I looked up the accident on the City of Fort Collins’ website; it was a single vehicle accident.  The young man had changed lanes on his motorcycle, miscalculated, hit the median, and then fallen to the pavement, hitting his head.  It was just a horrible, tragic misstep that cost him his life.  It happened around noon on Friday the 13th, right there by the McDonald’s.  He was 24 years old).