DEAR MR FILL IN THE BLANK :
(written somewhere between 1980-2013 :)), constituting all of my relationships; haha kidding not kidding, but really written around 1989)
I spent so much time with you and for what? To sit here now weeping?
There’s so much we need to talk about, much of which will never get said.
Maybe time will heal the pain, I don’t know. But I do know that I’ll always think of you in the time to come and I’ll wonder who you’re with and you’ll wonder who I’m with. And it will make us sad. I loved you so much , I will miss you so.
Pain. So much pain I carry around in this weary body. Things make it go away for awhile, but eventually it all comes creeping back like shadows under the door at twilight. Sometimes I think I have so much in my life, and then there are times like these that I feel like all I have are my memories to sustain me. Memories of all the ones who will never come again. I never know at any given moment which memory of who will pop into my brain, taking me back to a time when I was younger and freer. Sometimes I’d almost give anything to live some of them again.
I have too much love to give to waste it on you. Do you know how sad that is to say? I feel so badly for you that you’ll never know what true love is. I know, but have yet to experience it in full bloom. Oh sure, I’ve had snatches of it here and there, I guess that’s what’s sustained me this far. But I know there is something glorious out there waiting for me. Leaving you to find it, to save myself, believe me is one the hardest things I have ever had to do. But it must be done.
If you could have shined the light on it, you could have come my way.
I knew the drifting apart would come. I just wasn’t ready for it to come like a tidal wave tonight at dinner. All of a sudden it hit me, like I haven’t known it for so long already:
There’s never going to be me and you again. You’ve been added to the memory list now. I never thought I’d see you here, thought you’d always be here with me where I thought you belonged.
So take me out of your heart. I can’t be there anymore, don cha see? I can’t do it. I don’t belong there. Leave me! RUN! Run and don’t look back. ‘Cause whether it happens today, tomorrow, next week or in the next six months, it’s gonna happen. Someone is going to take your place in my heart.
In fact, it’s happening already.
I’m sorry for you. Not for me, no, I always knew I’d make it, always know I will. But you, you’re like this child trapped in a man’s body, helpless by your own hand, always reaching for but never quite grasping the doorknob of the door that’s gonna open it all for you.
The Gonzo Hunter
