Dad

This has taken me awhile to compose. Even now I’m still struggling for a coherent blend of thoughts & remembrances of my father. And although I know it is impossible to sum up the square total of a human’s existence on this planet in a mere banal post, I did want to say something to honor him, as my dad did not have, nor did he want, any kind of service or “hooha” made over him. He wished to just fade away, like he never was, & I find that incredibly sad. So I refuse. Things must be said & I must say them, for everyone deserves to be acknowledged & remembered, their name spoken to the winds. If I had one wish for my dad, it would have been that I wish he could have been happier. I mean, I get it; my dad was born during Depression era times in a dirt floor cabin in the hollers of West Virginia. Kids were viewed as commodities & free farm labor basically, not as something to be “loved”. Yes I’m sure there were some tight knit, loving families out there at the time as well, but my dad didn’t come from one of them. My grandmother, although a kind hearted Christian woman, was married to a surly man of few words & certainly no emotion shown, my grandfather & my father’s father. Times were at a level then that we cannot even fathom, so I know my dad saw some very tough times that then went on to shape his mind & beliefs about the world. Despite these modest beginnings, my father rose above. He got educated, moved to Ohio, got a job at Nationwide Insurance where he worked for decades, met my mom, to whom he was married to for exactly 65 yrs this past May 2023, had 3 children & lived in Columbus & then the Galena/Sunbury area for over 60 yrs. He was a lifelong Buckeyes fan, loved golf & Jack Nicklaus. He was a musician, playing guitar & banjo, along with being a talented sketch artist & painter. He was also a member of the National Guard for a time. My father taught me & my brothers how to ride a bike, took us fishing, camping, & out for ice cream at the Dairy Queen on High St. in Worthington on hot summer nights. I also have fond memories of going to the drive-in movies in our beat-up brown station wagon & of him bringing home KFC like he was our superhero & us cheering & dancing around him when he would walk in the door with that delicious smelling bucket of goodness. He coached my younger brother’s little league football team, played catch with us, & imparted all his fatherly wisdom upon us when we were children. When I was a young girl my father could do no wrong & knew all. When we moved to the country when I was 10 my dad opened his own insurance agency in New Albany, & then later when I was in high school he purchased one of the local pizza joints in our small town & I became the only female pizza delivery person! :) And sure, we went thru some hard times as a family, as most families do, but we never went without & our dad was always there, doing whatever it took to keep the lights on. We weren’t wealthy by any means, but we weren’t poor either like some of the kids that rode my bus each morning that I used to feel so terrible for, watching them get teased because of their greasy hair & grown out of clothes, not sticking up for them, & then feeling guilty because I was glad it wasn’t me. And even though our financial hardships were not by any means my dad’s fault, I think he took each one as a personal failure & like he had let us down. And then he let it partly define & defeat him. I just wish he could have focused more on the positive & the things he DID accomplish, instead of mistakes made, but boy, don’t we all do that, and why? Why DO we only choose to remember the negative & the “bad” instead of all the good & loving & kind things we & others have done while we were here? Why are we so quick to “cancel” everyone & ourselves for mistakes in judgement or intelligence made decades ago when we were different people? I’ve had it done to me for so long by others, I now understand perfectly why so many people just give up in life & quit trying. Life is hard. It’s harder when you don’t feel loved. So Dad, I get it. I understand things now about you that I was not capable of when I was younger. I forgive you & I love you. And I know that wherever you are now, you forgive & love me too. In his retirement years my dad bounced back, invested well, sold our family home in rural Galena where he & my mom had lived for over 40 years, & they moved to “town” to a nice subdivision where, as he claimed upon moving in, he “would die in this house”. He was true to his word. My dad passed at home in the middle of the night with my mom & older brother present, on August 21, 2023. I am happy that he got to enjoy so many wonderful decades with my mother & my brothers close. I lived away in Colorado for over 30 years & although I would not trade that decision for anything, I do realize how much I missed out on. My dad & I completed a project together in 2021; he had always wanted to write a book. My ex had given me a manuscript that his uncle had given him, it being his uncle’s dying wish to have his novel published. And although it was perfectly typed & formatted, the plot stunk to high heaven, so my dad & I rewrote parts of it together, bringing it & the technology in it up to modern standards, & then he submitted it to one of those private publishing companies that will basically publish anything as long as you pay them. It is shown here in one of the pics & anyone who is interested can find it on Amazon. It will never make any best seller lists, but my dad was proud of it & I was happy that I got to help him achieve this one last wish he had. My father & I never had an easy relationship once I reached my teenage & adult years. But as I got older, had my own children & went thru decades of my own hardships, I came to understand that parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Each of us does the best we can with the knowledge & tools we are handed at the time. I have made my peace with it all & with him. I know that he now knows The Secret that awaits each of us when we pass thru the veil & it makes me especially happy to know that when he got to the other side he saw that he was wrong about what awaits. It was always his belief that there was nothing, & now, having received at least 2 signs from him since he’s been gone from this realm, I know that he is telling & showing me that he is still around. I look forward to many more signs along the way, & yes, I will miss you Dad. I wish things could have been different between us, but I also recognize & acknowledge that it could have been much worse. It brings me great peace to know that you are indeed in a much better place than here.